Handlers of the Myth
Don Bravo
A silver-haired mystery. No LinkedIn. No birth certificate. Rumored to have descended a glacier barefoot while carrying a case of Liquid Snow. Approves all decisions by glancing slightly to the left.
The Ice Whisperer
Trained in the lost glacial listening arts. Can detect molecular impurities by humming into a bottle. Was once excommunicated from Switzerland for knowing too much.
Dr. Glacier Fontaine
Former cryo-psychologist turned hydration evangelist. Developed the controversial “Hydro-Austerity” protocol: drink less, feel more elite.
Rainé la Feu
Previously bottled clouds for a startup in Berlin. Believes water should be “observed, not consumed.” Once sued Evian for being "too obvious."
The Interns
Never seen, only referenced. Carries the bottle. Takes the fall. You will never meet them—but they are always watching.
Misty McVale
Her office has no doors. Her thoughts, encrypted. Misty pioneered the “Opacity Matrix,” a 124-slide deck explaining nothing—but with slides so sleek they were optioned by A24. She once released an internal memo that was just a mirror.
Axel Quell
He doesn’t believe in time zones, yet somehow makes everything arrive early. Says he “ships with intention, not location.” Runs a proprietary distribution algorithm that’s rumored to involve astrology, thermal cameras, and one feral alpaca.
