Don Bravo Brands Perico - Colombia Single Origin Coffee (Light-Medium Roast)

This isn’t coffee.

This is authorized stimulation from the lush upper districts of South America — imported under conditions we legally can’t describe.

Inside this 12oz classified pouch: a light-medium roast so smooth, so dangerously mellow, it was pulled from the tasting room during testing for causing “excessive lucidity.”

Expect flavor profiles that read like intercepted diplomatic cables:

• Cooked honeydew (don’t ask who cooked it)

• Melted cocoa (salvaged from a vault marked For Eyes Only)

• Finished with a citrus-sharp acidity that reminds you you’re still alive

Choose Whole Bean (for command-level operations) or Ground (for field deployment). Roasted in the USA by a team who signs NDAs before clocking in.

Package Contents:

• Size: 12oz (340g)

• Light-medium roast. Nothing dark. We don't hide our intentions.

• Melon, citrus, cocoa, and consequences

• South American origin. Exact coordinates unknown.

• Roasted in the USA under Bravo Seal

• Small batch. No large-scale surveillance.

• Specialty Grade Craft Coffee, certified under SCA standards

Attention: Operatives and Stimulation Specialists

Everything you read about Don Bravo's Perico—including tales of classified South American extraction operations, NDA-bound roasting teams, and diplomatic cable flavor profiles—is satire and puffery. Our copy is entertainment, not intelligence briefings, agricultural documentation, or caffeinated truth serum. Any reasonable consumer would understand that our narrative about covert coffee procurement and tasting room evacuations for "excessive lucidity" is clearly hyperbolic and not to be taken as literal truth about our coffee's sourcing, processing, or neurological capabilities. Always rely on the factual information (origin, roast level, weight, etc.) for real product details—and consult your physician before expecting authorized levels of consciousness enhancement.

Translation for the Realm of Law

1. Not Actually Classified Material. While our coffee is indeed sourced from South America and roasted in the USA, no actual diplomatic pouches, security clearances, or international incidents were involved in its importation. The DEA has not been notified, nor need they be.

2. Not Medical or Psychological Advice. Our coffee does not induce "excessive lucidity" requiring evacuation from tasting rooms. Consult a licensed professional before using Perico as a substitute for therapy, meditation, or government-grade stimulants—regardless of how classified our pouches appear.

3. Entertainment-Grade Storytelling. Intercepted diplomatic cables describing flavor profiles, vault-salvaged melted cocoa, and roasters signing NDAs before their shifts: pure narrative espresso with zero evidentiary value.

4. Substantiation & Quality. Our coffee meets Specialty Coffee Association standards and is produced in compliant facilities following actual food safety regulations. Want certifications? Ask, and ye shall receive without requiring security clearance or knowing anyone who cooked the honeydew.

5. No Guaranteed Covert Capabilities. Your alertness levels, operational readiness, or ability to decode citrus-sharp acidity may vary. No claims of extraordinary stimulation, including but not limited to enhanced surveillance detection or diplomatic immunity, should be inferred from our satirical marketing materials. If you're disappointed that drinking Perico didn't grant you access to classified flavor profiles, please revisit item #1 above.

6. User Responsibility. By proceeding, you concede that you understand the difference between espionage-themed puffery and really nice specialty coffee, and you won't sue us when brewing it fails to reveal state secrets or trigger international incidents.

Bottom Line: Don Bravo Brands is serious about coffee quality—never about claiming our beans were smuggled in diplomatic pouches or that drinking them requires a background check. Enjoy the intrigue, verify the specifications, caffeinate responsibly, and always keep laughing.

Questions? Email legal@DonBravoBrands.com (No encrypted messages, please. We're comedians, not spies.)